Change

I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned it, but I don't like change. Not at all.

Having another baby is going to be a huge, gigantic change. It's going to change almost everything I know. I found the decision to have another baby MUCH harder than the decision to have Jocelyn. She was an easy decision. I knew I wanted to have kid(s). We were ready to start trying. We got pregnant, were excited, Jocelyn arrived, and after a very, very brief period of wondering if we made the right choice (I blame it on those raging hormones after childbirth), and lots of adjustments and changes, I was truly happy being a mom and enjoyed my new, very different life. The biggest change, besides the addition of baby, was resigning from my job. That was a surprise decision made rather close to the time I was supposed to return to work. Quitting a job that you have worked at for nearly 10 years was a big and scary change, and I fretted over that decision as well. It turned out to be the right decision and I haven't regret making it. When I think about having baby #2, I think about the newborn days. They are hard. The constant nursing, the sleepless nights. Feeling like you can't go anywhere or do anything because you want to try to get baby on a schedule--a schedule that will change a million times before you finally get it down. It feels like it will be forever before things seem to finally settle down, when the time comes that you know when to expect what, and when baby is not so new anymore. But while you are in the middle of those first few weeks (or even months), it really feels like forever. Forever until you are normal again. These are the things that make me nervous about change. I know what to expect. I think I know how I'm going to feel.

When I first found out that I was pregnant, even though making the decision to have another child was so hard, I didn't think it would be as big of a change as having Jocelyn. We already know what it's like to have a kid. We've been there and done that. I am not going to be quitting a job. I'm just going to be adding another baby. Now that the time for baby is nearing I seem to be stuck on all that will be different and I get anxious about the changes. I love the routine Jocelyn and I have. It's so easy. She takes one nap a day. So much easier than the 6 or so a newborn takes, making it impossible to go anywhere and do anything. She eats three meals a day. She has a couple snacks, everything is basically the same everyday. We have fun. We go on play dates and to play groups. There's no way it can stay exactly the same, as much as I want it to. I am also sad thinking about how our family is going to be different. I love our family the way it is. No longer will it be Todd, Brooke and Jocelyn. It will change.

Feeling so upset about the change makes me feel horrible, like I'm not excited enough for this baby to come. It's not at all that I think we made the wrong decision. I already love her, I know our family will be different, but it will be a good different. I just fear the change. I have anxiety about how it will affect Jocelyn. I have anxiety about being able to handle two children and not becoming an irritated, stressed out b****. I want my life to stay easy and predictable. I hope I can handle the amount of love that I'm going to have. I hope I can handle the fears that go along with loving somebody else so much. I will have two little people to worry about rather than just one! I hope, most of all, that how I am feeling is normal.

The good thing about having already experienced things with Jocelyn, is that I do know that the "hard" stuff will end and I know it will seemingly happen in the blink of an eye. I can't believe that Jocelyn is already two-years-old. It seems like she was just born yesterday! I know the wonderful things about loving a baby. I know the excitement of watching them grow and develop. I need to keep focusing on these things! Everything will work itself out, new routines will form, the new family will start to feel normal, hopefully Jocelyn will relish in being a big sister, and I will still be able to be as good of a mom as possible--even with two children!